No stitches, just platelets and will power
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
