She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize