she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
