i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
