I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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