whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
