Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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