so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize