I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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