Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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