When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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