Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
