4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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