did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
