Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
