I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
