This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
