If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize