we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I could fuck to npr.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
