I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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