sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
