I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
