You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
