If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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