the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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