the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
