I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
