I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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