Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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