I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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