Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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