anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
