we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
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