so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
