I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
