I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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