What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
