There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize