The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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