Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize