It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
