I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
