it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
now i know why i became what i already was.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
