Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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