Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
