Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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