John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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