The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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