she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
