Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
