I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
