but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
