the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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