So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
