Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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