ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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