There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize