Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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