I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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